Sitting down, I had no idea what was about to unfold.
Had I known, I might have skipped the sitting part and gone straight to the confrontation.
Turns out, taking my seat was the best thing I could have done because what could have got quite ugly ran out of steam before passing the point of no return.
In the early years of my corporate career, I’d been well schooled in ‘handling’ confrontation to ensure that I always came out on top. So, when the attack was launched, although momentarily caught off-guard, it didn’t take long for my own attack strategy to form (seems you can take the boy out of the corporate world, but taking the corporate world out of the boy ain’t so easy)..
But, poised to finish the war that the person across the table had declared on me, a strange thing happened.
I apologised.
For what, I still have no idea—I hadn’t done anything that required an apology. But somehow, I took control of the demon inside who wanted to lash out and, focused on what I wanted the outcome to be (which was not an emotional bloodbath), played the peacemaker.
In that moment, I learned the power of self-regulation.
Self-regulation is the ability to manage behaviour to bring about desired outcomes. It’s the ability to resist that doughnut when trying to lose weight. It’s turning the PlayStation off to take a break from a screen. It’s leaving those shoes you don’t need in the store. It’s the awareness to leave that breakfast argument in the car as you step into the office.
In short, self-regulation is the difference between being the person you want to be, and being a shadow of who you truly are; between living a meaningful, purpose-filled life and lurching from crisis to crisis.
Self-regulation is, quite simply, the difference between success and failure in the adventure into becoming your best self.
But self-regulation is not the same as self-control.
Where self-control is about conscious impulse-control—managing an immediate situation (not shouting to avoid confrontation), self-regulation is about goal-directed behaviour (not shouting because you want a solid relationship). While most of us can exercise self-control in the moment, many struggle with the long-game of self-regulation.
So, how can you become a self-regulation ninja? Here are a few ideas:
Have a plan: Like I said a moment ago, self-regulation is goal-directed behaviour, so set goals and plan accordingly. When you have something to aim for, you focus your efforts. The more important those goals, the more likely you are to succeed.
Monitor-evaluate-modify: Create a feedback loop—monitor your progress, evaluate results and modify your path. This loop tells you how well your self-regulation is working.
Take pride: Be proud of past self-regulation efforts—they prove you have what it takes. Use them as building blocks for greater prowess.
The gun to the head test: Would you still do that thing you’re considering if you had a gun to your head? This test clarifies whether you need to do this thing or not.
Stay motivated: Keep yourself motivated. Perhaps reward yourself for each self-regulation achievement, no matter how small.
But does self-regulation really matter?
The short answer is yes.
In numerous studies, the ability to self-regulate has led to more success in life. People who self-regulate handle stress better, achieve higher grades, have higher self-esteem, enjoy healthier relationships, and generally exhibit better physical and mental health.
Given the evidence, and the simple fact that life is better when you’re working towards becoming your best self, which is exactly what self-regulation helps you do, it’s kind of a no-brainer, wouldn’t you say?
So next time you’re faced with a choice between immediate gratification and long-term gain, remember: your ability to self-regulate might just be the difference between living your best life and merely existing.
