It’s a memory forever burned into my mind. Looking back, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back and ushered in a period where everything changed.
In a single moment, weeks of building trust and finding solutions were undone. A split second in which every promise I’d made became meaningless. Empty. A lie. A moment when my core values were shattered. A moment in which I was shattered.
Driving back to the office, my boss’s words instructing me to move in a totally different direction from what I’d just assured the client, the anger in my soul threatened to consume me. I pulled into the staff car park and just sat, staring. More than 200 people would lose their jobs. People would lose their homes, pensions, investments—everything they’d worked for. Because of me. Right then, staring at the flaking paint on the car park wall, I’d never hated myself so much.
It took months, but eventually, I shed the self-loathing as I realised it wasn’t because of me. I had acted in good faith. I had found the solution. It was my boss who undid it all. It was my boss who drove a cart and horses through my core values.
Maybe I should have stood up to him. Maybe I should have cried foul. It would likely have changed nothing, but maybe I should have tried. And, months later, my world came apart as the tension between the world I found myself in—the lies, deceit, subterfuge—collided with the world I longed for—integrity, honesty, authenticity and compassion.
What followed was two years of deconstruction and reconstruction. Two years of self-discovery and new perspectives that laid the foundation for this epic adventure—becoming my best self—that I’m still on today.
Why was that moment so pivotal? Simply because it broke everything I held to be true—everything I counted as important. It broke my values.
Values are “principles or standards of behaviour” or “your judgment of what’s important in life.” They’re about expectations—what you expect from yourself and others—and the things that matter to you. And these values determine whether you pursue your real life, or exist as a mere interpretation of the real you.
Living your real life—the life you were made for—involves not just knowing your values, but living them each moment: aligning what you do, say, and think with what truly matters to you. Anything less, and you’ll become a pale shadow of the real you—an unrecognisable version that fits with who others want you to be, but is miles from who you truly are.
That’s what my job required—to become an unrecognisable version of myself. A version that pleased others but betrayed me. That’s why my world fell apart.
So how do you discover your values?
Look across your life stages (childhood, teenage years, adulthood) at things you loved, liked, tolerated, and disliked. Make lists for both work and leisure.
Focus first on things you loved. What values does each reveal? Look for themes. Repeat for things you liked, tolerated, and disliked.
Now, see how your life lines up with these values. For each value, ask what you do that expresses it. How much time do you spend on these activities? Which values need more expression? Which need less focus? What adjustments would help you align better?
When you’ve completed these steps, you have a starting point. Building a life aligned with your values requires intention and conscious effort. But it’s the only way to truly live as yourself.
